Mabel, 33
The safety I feel with Finn means the sex we have feels safe, too, and we can explore freely
When Finn and I met on a dating app last year, I was enjoying being single. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend one month in, I wasn’t sure at first. But I was sure about him, and I liked how he’d phrased it (“I know you’re having fun, and I don’t want to put pressure on you”), with my freedom being a positive thing.
My ex-boyfriend was jealous and controlling and wanted to keep me in a box. He felt threatened that I had exes and had had sex with others. He hated me staying out late and questioned why I put on nice underwear for work, suspecting that must mean I was sleeping with a colleague. So it was refreshing to be with someone who celebrated my sexuality.
The safety I feel with Finn means the sex we have feels safe, too, and we can explore freely. We experiment with power dynamics, and I find the danger exciting, but it never feels like Finn is dominant in an uncaring way. He once said, “I don’t want to act too dominant in case you think I don’t love you,” which I thought was very romantic.
Finn is usually the one to initiate sex, but I always want it. He’s playful – he’ll put his hands down my pants when we’re out!
I’ve heard that there are two ways of experiencing desire. Some people can just be doing the washing up and want to have sex – that’s Finn. The other is becoming turned on once you start being intimate – that’s me. So Finn is usually the one to initiate sex, but I always want it. He’s playful – he’ll put his hands down my pants when we’re out! He once fingered me in a car while driving down a winding road, and when cyclists overtook us, it was thrilling.
We’ve both said past relationships were things that just happened to us, whereas we’ve chosen each other. It has surprised us both how open we are. When we were on holiday last year, we spent the whole time talking about how lucky we are.
We’re about to move in together, and I can’t wait to do boring, domestic, adult things with him all the time. Yesterday, we went to the butcher and B&Q, and even that was fun. When I’m with Finn, everything feels like an adventure.
Callout
Finn, 33
Our sex life has become more adventurous. We’ve had sex in the sea, in a field, in a photo booth
I wanted a break from dating apps and was about to delete them when I started speaking to Mabel. After our first date, we went back to hers and had great sex, but we had to be quiet because her flatmate was next door, so Mabel covered my mouth with her hand. Usually, she’s quite vocal, which turns me on.
On our second date, I cooked for her at mine, which felt like a big gesture. I was seeing other people casually, but it felt different with Mabel; it was so easy. Even though I wanted to say, “Let’s see each other loads,” we played it cool.
In previous relationships, even if the sex was good, I’d doubt how compatible we were. I’d seek novelty, and still do, but Mabel offers me that
Related: This is how we do it: ‘Our first sexual experience was like everyone’s: bad. We were so awkward’
We have sex every time we see each other, about four times a week, which hasn’t decreased since we’ve been together. Our sex life has become more adventurous, and we’ve done things neither of us has done before. We’ve had sex in the sea, in a field, in a photo booth. I used to worry about someone seeing us, and Mabel would tease me about being cautious, but now I suggest it too.
In previous relationships, even if the sex was good, I’d doubt how compatible we were. I’d seek novelty, and I still do, but Mabel offers me that. We’ve settled into more of a routine, but it still feels exciting. Maybe I’ve worked out what I want, or it could be our relationship is more interesting than my previous ones.
My relationships have never lasted longer than two years, and I’ve avoided conversations about marriage and kids. When I was 21, I had a toxic relationship and a messy break-up, where I cheated, and my partner became possessive and insecure, which affected my ability to commit to others. But Mabel and I speak about spending the rest of our lives together. Maybe it’s the age we met at – we don’t need to wait. It’s the best sex of my life, and the possibility of having that for ever makes me feel very lucky.
